drop the fork: 4th Anniversary

Today is the 4th anniversary of my joining Weight Watchers. Anniversaries oftentimes bring reflection. In this post, I present you with a few random thoughts about my journey, so far.

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This 4-year period is probably the longest I've ever dedicated myself to losing weight, and keeping it off. There was one other time that I lost weight, and kept it off for, what? a year or two? I don't remember, unfortunately. I hit my goal around my 30th birthday, or shortly before, and kept it off a couple of years. I did it all on my own. I didn't eat particularly healthy; I can remember lunches of Chicken McNuggets, as well as Baskin-Robbins milkshake snacks. But I did at least make some effort to eat more vegetables and less crap.

The weight loss didn't last, though. As soon as I turned my attention to night school and obtaining my CPA certification, my focus on good eating and exercise went waaay south. This experience taught me that life will always get in the way, and to be successful, you have to focus, and keep changing your approach as circumstances change.

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Maintenance has been pretty easy for me. Sometimes I wonder if it's been too easy. Have I really changed, for good? Can I keep this focus through the very worst that could happen to me?

When I joined WW in 2002, I had a stressful first year. My husband broke his ankle in 2 places, and I had to take care of him while he healed. My Mom went into a decline, and I had to care for her for 10 months, until her death at Christmastime. She was not in my home -- she was in a semi-assisted facility -- but anyone who has cared for an aging loved one knows that the stress level for the caretaker is still pretty high, under any circumstances. Sometimes the person's decline is so precipitous, that you have trouble keeping up, and end up scrambling to keep an appropriate care level.

I had to get Mom's meds, hire a woman to administer them, lock away her drugs so she wouldn't take them randomly (Mom had increasing dementia toward the end); take her to the ER whenever she had a health crisis; take her to regular doctor appointments. I had to find a nursing home that would take her on nearly-instant notice when, toward the end, she became agitated, walked away from her apartment, got lost, and ended up in the hospital with (thankfully) only a minor injury from falling down. I had to deal with some family squabbles over Mom's care (something that is still painful for me to think about).

Sometimes, looking back, it amazes me that I managed to lose 50+ pounds that year. I think my attitude was, "I can't control the things going on around me, but by God, I can control what I put in my mouth." I exercised when I can; I tried to take "me" time whenever I could. I think bicycling kept me sane. Really.

So, have I been through the worst? Can I do it again if something else happens? If I lost my husband, I'm not sure what I would do. Maybe I'd just stop eating. Maybe I'd lose motivation, and just start eating everything in sight. I just don't know. I hope I never have to test this anytime in the next, oh, 35+ years.

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The turn of the year brings many new members to Weight Watchers. There were a few new faces in this morning's meeting. One was a husband-and-wife team. They seemed attentive, active, and interested. I think they probably will do well. This particular meeting has several husband/wife duos. Some are already at goal, others are getting there.

There was one woman, though, who slipped into the meeting after it had started. (This wasn't her fault; it takes time to check everyone through.) She sat directly in front of me. She said nothing during the meeting. She hardly moved. And, so, I began to wonder about her . . .

Our meeting is very ~~raucous~~ enthusiastic. Most folks participate. This is partly because Jim is such an effective leader (he's a marketing type; they're good at this sort of thing). There is one point, at the end of the meeting, after he's asked if anyone's made Lifetime, where he first asks for a show of hands of any Lifetimers in the audience. He then says, "And is there anyone out there who is GOING to make lifetime?" Of course, every hand in the room goes up . . . at least most of the time.

This woman didn't raise her hand. When she left, I saw her expression as she walked by me. She looked very downcast, perhaps a little depressed. I didn't see any hope. Any joy. If she had any positive thoughts, they sure didn't show on her face. She looked straight ahead; didn't engage anybody.

So. Is she going to make it, or not? I don't know. Hell, maybe I looked the same way when I joined. I can't remember. I do remember thinking the remainder of my life was going to consist of not being able to eat anything good. (I lost that notion in about 3 weeks.) Maybe she's thinking the same thing. Maybe she is wondering if she can do it this time. Maybe she's already given up. I just don't know.

If she's there next week, and arrives before the meeting starts, I'll try to say something to her. I'm not really good at this sort of thing, so wish me luck. I'm an introvert masquerading as an extrovert. But, I'll try anyway. Who knows?

Maybe we'll both learn something.

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I worry about people who try too hard. You really can overdo the weight loss thing. For example: eating way too little. Vowing that you'll never eat pizza again. Dividing the food universe into good and bad (as if food were a moral issue) and kicking yourself every time you eat something bad.

My experience is that extreme measures do not work. They sure didn't work for me. I have numerous diet attempts buried in my past. I would NOT eat more than 1200 calories a day. I would NOT eat anything bad. I would be PERFECT.

Well, I'm sure you know how long that lasted. A day, two, three. I'd quit in disgust, as soon as I messed up.

What I have learned from this journey is that baby steps are better than sweeping changes, and that persistence, not perfection, gets the job done. It's hard to change your life overnight. It's better to change one, two, three things, get them under your belt, then change a few more things. I worked to regain my fitness long before I decided I really, really could lose the weight. I think this helped me considerably. When I joined WW, I already had been lifting weights for 2 years. I had been biking for 2.5 years. I didn't set out to do it this way; it just happened. But I think it was the right thing for me.

I always tell people: don't do anything to lose the weight that you're not perfectly willing to do the rest of your life. Focus on the process of changing your habits your way. Eat good, healthy foods, but have a little fun, too. Eat no more than you need. Exercise. The weight will take care of itself. Then, when you finally do reach goal, you'll already have tons of practice of eating the right way.

This is something, by the way, that you won't get from Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem. As much as they beg to differ, they are just "diets." There are those who are successful on these regimes, but they are the ones that learn, after the fact, how to eat properly . . . or who already know, but are using the prepackaged foods as a convenience.

If you're going to play Carnegie Hall, isn't it better to practice on a real piano, not on a little toy with only 25 keys?

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One thing that can result from weight loss is the dreaded loose skin. Do I have any? Sure I do. It's not bad, though; I've seen pictures of far worse, on younger women who lost less than I did. It's easily concealable under clothing. I think it has marginally improved over the last year or two. My thinking, though, is that it's probably not going to get all the way better.

So, how do I feel about that?

I'm basically OK with it. Yeah, I'd like it to just go away; who wouldn't? The two worst areas are: under the upper arm ("bat wings") and the belly. I think I'm probably more sensitive to the arm thing, as I frequently wear sleeveless tops. I also figure that I notice it more than anyone else does. So, I keep doing biceps curls and other fun upper body exercises, and hope that it improves a little more over the next several years. I may have a "tummy tuck" at some point on my belly, more for comfort than for aesthetics. (OK, maybe my reasons are 50/50.) The arms, though, I'll leave alone.

Most of the time, when I think about my loose skin at all, the term "battle scar" comes to mind. I'm 53 years old; I'm not going to look like a 20 year old hottie. I already have a few scars here and there. You don't get to be my age without a few dings and scratches. And I actually think I look pretty good for my age. I'm not the best, but I'm far from the worst.

What I DO have is this: a strong, healthy body that will do nearly everything I ask it to. As you get older, function trumps form. The things you do today dictate how well you'll live tomorrow. I want to be on my bike when I'm 85, not in a wheelchair or a nursing home bed. Every day I live a healthy life, I'm creating a better future.

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