Well, no. I shouldn't be. Not really.
The camera and I have never gotten along, you see. I've never been one of those photogenic sorts. My reactions to photos of my visage typically range from "Oh, I guess I look sorta OK" to "EEEEK!" It's true that there have been a few pics of me that I've really liked. But boy, they are sure hard to come by, and I treasure them.
A recent incident got me thinking about why I tend to react so negatively to my own photographs. (Yeah, I know, me and 50 million other folks, right?)
Recently, I went to a local gathering of other costume jewelry fanatics afficianados, all of whom belong to the Vintage, Fashion and Costume Jewelry Club. The meeting (featuring tons of jewelry, along with good wine and outrageous desserts) was hosted by B, a club member, who happened to snap a number of pictures of the get-together. At one point during the afternoon, I was admiring one member's copper jewelry collection. Turns out she had several copper belts, so on impulse, I picked one up and tried it on.
It fit. It was a non-adjustable metal belt from the 1960s. And it fit. B snapped a pic of me modeling it.
Now, the fact that the belt fit was a real shock. It sure as hell looked too small for me. But it wasn't. See for yourself:
As soon as B took the picture, she cried, "Oh, Deb, I love this picture of you!" I trotted over to take a look. As soon as I saw the pic, though, here's what I blurted out:
"Oh! I look so fat!!!"*
Now, let's go with the presumption that I do not, in point of fact, look fat in this photo. So, why, then, was "fat" the first thing that sprang into my mind?
I've thought about this for a bit, and I think it has to do with the mental image of myself that I lug around with me everywhere I go. You know, the one that has me looking like Gabby Reece. HAHAHA Seriously, though . . .
When I wear certain outfits that I think make me look especially good, when I look at myself in the mirror, I probably don't really see what's there. In my own mind, I'm very slender. No bulges, no blemishes. (In other words, a far cry from what I really am.) Similarly, when I charge up a hill on my bicycle, I imagine that I look like a member of the T-Mobile Women's Racing Team. (I can assure you that I do not . . . but it's fun to think so, isn't it? Imagination adds spice to everyday life.)
So . . . when I see an image of myself that's captured by a camera, my mind is not able to edit it in the same way as it can a mirror image. In other words, my mental image and reality don't quite jibe. It doesn't mean that reality is bad, just that there's no match-up . . . and that's temporarily jarring. And it's not just me. You know that . . . wouldn't you love to have a buck for every "Oh, I'm too fat!" comment you've ever heard in your life?
When I was heavy, I used to snicker at women whom I viewed as thin, who would deprecate themselves (or pictures of themselves). I thought, "Can't they see how good they really look?" But, now that I've uttered the dreaded "oh, I'm so fat" comment, I think I can more easily understand the "why." It's an image mis-match. Fat, thin, old, young -- we are all vulnerable. No one wants to look bad, after all.
Nevertheless, from now on I think I'm going to do my best to keep my mouth shut. I think I offended one woman at the 'do with my comment -- some of the attendees knew my past weight history, and some did not. And I don't feel like explaining how I used to be fat, but now I'm not, and while I really have adapted and feel like a thin person now, every once in a while I get cold-cocked by a little "fat deja vu."
So -- if you always think you look fat in photos, I hear ya. I sympathize. Been there, done that, trying to forget I ever saw the pictures. But, do try to get over it . . . . and I'll try, too.
After all -- remember those photos of you when you were younger, when you thought you looked fat or old? And how much you'd give to look like that now?
It's all relative, y'know. Twenty years from now, you'll probably wish you looked like you do now.
*Gentle reader, I leave it to you to decide for yourself if indeed I look fat in this pic. My dear husband has assured me that I do not. And you do not have to tell me what you think. Please. I really don't need to know.
